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You may be a horse
person if.......
...you were driving to the grocery store and you
freaked when you didn't see the trailer behind you.
...you have ever used perfume on your horse.
...you consider belt buckles and spurs jewelry.
...you spend more hours at the barn than at work.
...your dog drinks out of a bucket rather than a
bowl.
...your kids shop at Tractor Supply Co.(or any
horsey store)
...you put your coat on the floor because the coat
hanger is full of bridles and halters.
...you think high-heels are cowboy boots.
...when you think strapless is the kind of spurs
where you push them onto your boot.
...you get pizza delivered to the barn more often
than your house.
...the perfect getaway is a new trail.
|
How do
you...
Take a
nap.
Load them in a clean trailer.
Show
them in a halter class.
Show them in a speed class.
Clean the water trough and fill
it with fresh water.
Take her to a show.
Let
the wrong stallion get out of his stall.
Sell her before she foals.
Get him out late at night or
anytime no one is around to see him.
Clip a horse.
Mow a field of hay.
START WITH A LARGE ONE!
|
Horse
Self- Improvement In 20 Easy Steps
1. I will NOT
roll in streams when my human is on my
back.
2. I will NOT
leap over large nonexistent obstacles
when the whim strikes.
3. I will NOT
walk faster on the way home than I did
on the way out.
4. I will NOT
bite my farrier's butt just to say "Hi".
5. I will NOT
confuse my human's blond hair for really
soft hay.
6. I will NOT
blow my nose on my human.
7. I will NOT
try to mooch goodies from every human
within a one-mile radius.
8. I will NOT
lay totally flat in my stall with my
eyes glazed over and my legs straight out and pretend
I can't hear my human frantically screaming "Are
you asleep?"
9. I will NOT
chase the ponies into the electric fence
to see if it is on.
10. I will
promise NEVER to dump the wheelbarrow of
manure over while my human is mucking my stall.
11. I will NOT
grab my lead rope in my mouth and
attempt to lead myself.
12. I will NOT
pull my shoes off the day after being
shod just to prove that I can.
13. I am
NEITHER a beaver nor a carpenter. I promise I
won't eat or orally remodel the barn or the new
fences.
14. I am NOT a
battle steed and will NOT act like one.
15. I WILL
forgive my human for my very bad haircut,
even though I look ridiculous.
16. I WILL
accept that not every carrot is for me.
17. I will NOT
bite the butt of the horse in front of
me during a trail ride just to say "Hi".
18. I will NOT
jump in the air and turn 180 degrees
every time I see a deer.
19. I will
understand that deer are NOT carnivorous.
20. I WILL
gladly come from the pasture when my human
wants my company.
Back to List |
|
Horse Hair
Warning
Horse Hair: Potentially Dangerous!!!
In a press release today, the National Institute of Health
has announced the discovery of a potentially dangerous
substance in the hair of horses. This substance, called
"amo-bacter equuii" has been linked with the
following symptoms in female humans:
Reluctance to cook
Reluctance to perform housework
Reluctance to wear anything but boots
Reluctance to work except in support of a horse
Physical craving for contact with horses (may be an
addiction)
Beware: If you come in contact with a female human affected
by this substance, be prepared to talk about horses for
hours on end. This has been a public service announcement.
Back to List |
|
OLD FOLKS RIDING
RULES
1. We DO NOT need to show up with our hair combed,
make up
on and wearing a clean shirt.
2. Moaning, groaning and complaining about aching
muscles is
perfectly acceptable as is taking Motrin prior to a
ride.
3. Helping someone on or off the horse does not
mean the rider
is an invalid. It only means the horse got taller
overnight.
4. No on will comment about how big someone's butt
looks in a
saddle.
5. Everyone will wait, patiently, while someone
dismounts and
adjusts equipment. Everyone will also wait,
patiently, until that
person remounts and is ready to move on...no matter
how long
that takes.
6. When a horse is acting up we will accept that
the horse is just
having a bad hair day and it is not the rider's
fault.
7. Mentioning it is too hot, too dry, too humid,
too wet, too buggie,
etc., is considered self _expression, not whining.
8. Wanting to be first, last, walk or just stop
does not mean the
rider is a wimp. Sometimes it is necessary to teach
a horse who
is in charge.
9. We will take the time to discuss the important
issues of the
day like who is dating who, who is cheating on whom
and any
other relevant information which needs to be passed
on.
10. We will acknowledge that horses are very
strange animals
and sometimes for no reason at all we fall off of
them. If this
happens to any rider the other riders will
ascertain that the
person is okay and then not mention the incident
to another living soul, especially husbands and
significant
others.
11. We will acknowledge, without apology that
riding more than 2
1/2 hours increases our grumpy level far more than
any ego
benefits we may get from riding longer.
Back to List
|
A Letter from Your
Horse
(original version)
When you are tense, let me teach you to relax.
When you are short-tempered, let me teach you to be
patient.
When you are short-sighted, let me teach you to see.
When you are quick to react, let me teach you to be
patient.
When you are angry, let me teach you to be serene.
When you feel superior, let me teach you to be respectful.
When you are self-absorbed, let me teach you to think of
greater things.
When you are arrogant, let me teach you humility.
When you are lonely, let me be your companion.
When you are tired, let me carry the load.
When you need to learn, let me teach you.
After all, I am your horse.
And now, the REAL DEAL....................
When you are tense, let me teach you that there are lions
in them thar woods and we need to leave NOW!
When you are short-tempered, let me teach yo u to slog
around the pasture for an hour before you can catch me.
When you are short-sighted, let me teach you to figure out
where, exactly, in the 40 acres I am hiding.
When you are quick to react, let me teach you that
herbivores kick much faster and harder than omnivores.
When you are angry, let me teach you how well I can stand
on my hind feet because I don't feel like cantering on my
right lead today.
When you are worried, let me entertain you with my mystery
lameness.
When you feel superior, let me teach you that, mostly, you
are the maid service.
When you are self-absorbed, let me teach you to PAY
ATTENTION. Remember how I told you about those lions in
them thar woods?
When you are arrogant, let me teach you what 1200 lbs of
"YAHOO LETS GO!" can do when suitably inspired.
When you are lonely, let me be your companion. Let's do
lunch. Also, breakfast, snack and dinner.
When yo u are tired, don't forget the 600 lbs of grain
that needs to be unloaded.
When you are feeling financially secure, let me teach you
the meaning of "Veterinary Services".
When you want to learn, hang around, bud. I'll learn ya.
Back to List
|
The Lone
Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down
to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in
and said "Who owns the big white horse
outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt,
and said, "I do, why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said,
"I just thought you'd like to know that
your horse is about dead out there!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and
sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat
exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got water for the
horse, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little
better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto,
I want you to run around Silver,and see if you can
create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel
better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe", and took
off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone
Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few
minutes later, another cowboy struts into
the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white
horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and
claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this
time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says . .
.
"Nothin', but you left your Injun
running".
Back to List
|
5 Equine Reality TV
Shows
1. JOANNE MILLIONAIRE: Rich young women are
first introduced to the exciting world of horses.
They become completely hooked on the finest
purebreds, the best trainers, fabulous stabling and
expert instruction. In the last episode...they
discover they're penniless.
2. SURVIVOR - THE ENDURANCE RIDE: 10 elite
show riders leave their oak tack trunks, their
minimum wage grooms, their canopies and
gooseneck living quarters behind to spend 2
days in Death Valley. They have to perform
heinous acts such as cleaning their own tack,
grooming and caring for their own horse, and
getting along with other riders. As we sit back
and watch riders succumb to torture, the
strongest break away from camp to search for
cell phone, golf cart and roach coach.
3. AMERICAN SHOW IDOL: Thousands of equestrians
must audition in front of exacting judges who pick
apart their ride using colorful evaluations such as
try another sport; clucking to your horse
makes you sound like a chicken;. George Morris
guest stars.
4. I'M A DRESSAGE QUEEN, GET ME OUT OF HERE:
A Prix St George's rider and her Hanoverian stallion
are shipped to a working cattle ranch. In Episode 3
she ruins her full seat Eurostar breeches while
closing the cattle gate. Unable to ride until her new
attire is shipped, the local wrangler round pens her
horse and starts roping off his back.
5. MATCHED BY AMERICA: Contestants who are tired
of looking for Mr. or Ms Equine Perfection allow the
studio audience to vote on which horse is truly the
best partner for them. Tossing breed and color
preferences to the wind, contestants discover that
1) a good horse can be any size, age, color
2) when you find the right match, there can be happy
endings.
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|
And God Created Horse
And
God created the Horse. . . .
| 1. |
On
the first day of creation, God created the Horse. |
| 2. |
On
the second day, God created Man to serve the Horse. |
| 3. |
On
the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to spook
the Horse
when Man was upon his back. |
| 4. |
On
the fourth day, God created an honest day's work so that Man
could labor to pay for the keeping of the Horse. |
| 5. |
On
the fifth day, God created the grasses in the field so that the
horse could eat and Man could toil and clean-up after the Horse. |
| 6. |
On
the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the Horse
healthy and Man broke. |
| 7. |
On
the seventh day, God rested and said this is good. |
Back to List |
| IDENTIFICATION OF THE FEMALE
EQUESTRIAN
Easy to locate, she's either off on the horse or out in the barn.
Upholds the double standard: smooches with the most bewhiskered beast,
but recoils when hubby needs a shave.
Owns one vacuum cleaner and operates it exclusively in the barn.
Economy minded: won't waste money on permanents, facials or manicures.
A culinary perfectionist: checks every section of hay for mold but
doesn't blink when she petrifies dinner in the microwave.
Easy to outfit: no need for embarrassing visits to uncomfortable little
boutiques. You can find all she wears at your local tack store.
Features a selective sense of smell: bitterly complains about hubby's
sticky-sweet cigar smoke, while remaining totally oblivious to the
almost visible aroma of her barn boots drying next to the heater.
A master at multiplication: she starts with one horse, adds a companion,
and if it's a mare, she breeds it.
Socially aware: knows that formal occasions call for clean boots.
Easy to please: a new wheelbarrow, custom boots or even a folding hoof
pick will win her heart forever.
Shows her affection in unusual ways: if she pats you on the neck and
says "you're a good boy," believe it or not, she loves you!
Back to List |
|
THE HORSE'S LIST OF NEW YEAR'S
RESOLUTIONS...
1. I CAN walk and poop at the same time - I can, I can, I can!
2. I will NOT stop and poop or urinate every time I pass the same spot
in the arena.
3. I will NOT leave when my rider falls off.
4. My stall is NOT my litter box. When I have free access to my paddock,
I will NOT go back inside to pee.
5. I will NOT roll in streams or try to roll when my human is on my
back.
6. I will NOT leap over large non-existent obstacles when the whim
strikes.
7. I will NOT walk faster on the way home than I did on the way out.
8. I promise NOT to swish my tail while my human is cleaning my back
feet.
9. I promise also NOT to choose that particular time to answer nature's
call.
10. I will NOT bite my farrier's butt just because it is there.
11. I will NOT confuse my human's blonde hair for really soft hay.
12. I will NOT wipe green slime down the back of my human's white shirt.
13. I will NOT blow my nose on my human.
14. I will NOT try to mooch goodies off every human within a 1 mile
radius.
15. I will NOT lay totally flat out in my stall with my eyes glazed over
and my legs straight out and pretend I can't hear my human frantically
screaming "Are you asleep?"
16. I will NOT chase the ponies into the electric fence to see if it is
on.
17. I will promise NEVER to dump the wheelbarrow of manure while my
human is mucking my stall.
18. I will NOT grab my lead rope in my mouth and attempt to lead myself.
19. I will NOT have an attitude problem - I won't, I won't, I won't!
20. I will NOT pull my new shoes off the very next day just to prove
that I can.
21. I am neither a beaver nor a carpenter. I promise I WON'T eat or
remodel the barn or the new fences.
22. I am NOT a Shin'a'in Battlesteed. I will not act like one.
23. I WILL forgive my human for the very bad haircut, even though I look
like a freak.
24. I accept that not every carrot is for me.
25. I will NOT do the Arab Teleport Trick when a bad/naughty/awful
Horsasaurus Monster breathes at me.
26. I will NOT jump in the air and turn 180 degrees every time I see a
deer.
27. I will understand that deer are NOT carnivorous.
28. I will NOT shy at familiar objects just for fun.
29. I will NOT bite the butt of the horse in front of me during the
trail ride just to say "Hi".
30. I WILL put my ears forward and cooperate when it comes to photos.
Back to List |
Sign outside a riding stable:
"We have big horses for big folks, small horses for small folks,
slow horses for people who like to ride slow, and for folks who have
never ridden before, we have horses who have never been ridden."
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|
Horse Sales
Terminology Translated:
BIG TROT: can't canter within a two mile straight-away.
NICELY STARTED: lunges, but
we don't have enough insurance to ride him yet.
TOP SHOW HORSE: won a
reserve champion 5 years ago at a show with unusually low entries due to
tornado warnings.
HOME BRED: knows nothing
despite being raised on the back porch.
BIG BONED: good thing he
has a mane and tail, or he would be mistaken for a cow.
NO VICES: especially when
he wears his muzzle.
BOLD: runaway.
GOOD MOVER: runaway.
ATHLETIC: runaway.
NEEDS INTERMEDIATE RIDER:
runaway.
SHOULD MATURE OVER 16 HANDS:
currently 14 hands, dam is 14.2, sire is 15.3 hands, every horse in
pedigree back 18 generations is under 16 hands, but *this* horse will
defy his DNA and grow.
WELL MANNERED: hasn't
stepped on, run over, bit, or kicked anyone for a week.
PROFESSIONALLY TRAINED:
hasn't stepped on, run over, bit, or kicked anyone for a month.
RECENTLY VETTED: someone
else found something really wrong with this horse.
TO GOOD HOME ONLY: not
really for sale unless you can
1)
Pay twice what he is worth
2) Are willing to
sign a 10 page legal document to allow current owner to tuck him in
beddy-bye every night.
EXCELLENT DISPOSITION:
never been out of the stall.
CLIPS, HAULS, LOADS:
clippity clippity is the sound of his hooves make as he hauls butt
across the parking lot when you try to load him.
FOR SALE DUE TO LACK OF TIME:
rider cannot afford to spend anymore time in the hospital.
QUIET: dead (almost).
SPIRITED: psychotic.
WELL BRED: mother and
father are also brother and sister!
COLOR IS BLACK: brown
and/or dirty.
ANY VET CHECK WELCOME:
Please pay for us to find out what the !@#$ is wrong with him!
SUITS EVENTING: no brakes.
SUITS DRESSAGE: no
accelerator.
SUITS ANYONE: except us, we
hate him!
Back to List |
| All I Need to Know
in Life I Learned From My Horse
1. When in doubt, run far, far
away.
2. You can never have too many treats.
3. Passing gas in public is nothing to be ashamed of.
4. New shoes are an absolute necessity every 6 weeks.
5. Ignore cues. They're just a prompt to do more work.
6. Everyone loves a good, wet, slobbery kiss.
7. Never run when you can jog. Never jog when you can walk. And never
walk when you can stand still.
8. Heaven is eating for at least 10 hours a day... and then sleeping the
rest.
10. Eat plenty of roughage.
11. Great legs and a nice rear will get you anywhere. Big, brown eyes
help too.
12. When you want your way, stomp hard on the nearest foot.
13. In times of crisis, take a poop.
14. Act dumb when faced with a task you don't want to do.
15. Follow the herd. That way, you can't be singled out to take the
blame.
16. A swift kick in the butt will get anyone's attention.
17. Love those who love you back, especially if they have something good
to eat.
Back to List |
|
The Horse
Dictionary
Arena:
Place where humans can take the fun out of forward motion.
Bit: Means
by which a rider's every motion is transmitted to the extremely
sensitive tissues of the mouth.
Bucking:
Counterirritant.
Crossties:
Gymnastic apparatus.
Dressage:
Process by which some riders can eventually be taught to respect the
bit.
Fence:
Barrier that protects good grazing.
Grain:
Sole virtue of domestication.
Hitching rail:
Means by which to test one's strength.
Horse trailer:
Mobile cave bear den.
Jump:
An opportunity for self-expression.
Latch:
Type of puzzle.
Longeing:
Procedure for keeping a prospective rider at bay.
Owner:
Human assigned responsibility for one's feeding.
Rider:
Owner overstepping its bounds.
Farrier:
Disposable surrogate owner useful for acting out aggression without
compromising food supply.
Trainer:
Owner with mob connections.
Veterinarian:
Flightless albino vulture.
Back to List |
|
Basic Rules for
Horses Who Have a Barn to Protect
The art of
snorting: Humans
like to be snorted on. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family horse
to accommodate them.
Neighing:
Because you are a horse, you
are expected to neigh. So neigh - a lot. Your owners will be very happy
to hear you protecting the barn and communicating with other horses.
Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds.
There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in
the middle of the night and hearing you, 'Neigh, neigh, neigh.'
Stomping cats:
When standing in cross ties, make sure you never - quite - stomp on the
barn cat's tail. It spoils all the fun.
Chewing:
Make a contribution to the architectural industry - chew on your stall
wall, the fence or any other wooden item.
Fresh bedding:
It is perfectly permissible to urinate in the middle of your freshly
bedded stall to let your humans know how much you appreciate their hard
work.
Dining
etiquette: Always pull
all of your hay out of the hay rack, especially right after your stall
has been cleaned, so you can mix the hay with your fresh bedding. This
challenges your human, the next time they're cleaning your stall and we
all know how humans love a challenge (that's what they said when they
bought you as a two year old, right?).
Doors:
Any door, even partially open, is always an invitation for you and your
human to exercise. Bolt out of the door and trot around, just out of
reach of your human, who will frantically run after and chase you. The
longer it goes on, the more fun it is for all involved.
Going for
trail rides: Rules of the
road: When out for a trail ride with your owner, never go to the
bathroom on your own lawn.
Holes:
Rather than pawing and digging a BIG hole in the middle of the
paddock or stall and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes
all over so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on
one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never
enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct
this problem.
Ground
Manners: Ground
manners are very important to humans, break as much of the ground in and
around the barn as possible. This lets the ground know who's boss and
impresses your humans.
Nuzzling: Always
take a BIG drink from your water trough immediately before nuzzling your
humans. Be ready to rub your head on the area of your human that you
just nuzzled to dry it off, too.
Playing:
If you lose your footing
while frolicking in the paddock, use one of the other horses to absorb
your fall so you don't injure yourself. Then the other horse will get a
visit from the mean ol' vet, not you.
Back to List |
| To Mount A Horse
Right
Mounting a horse is actually very
easy if it is done properly. A rider can only mount a horse from one
side because a horse only likes to be mounted from one side. The left
side is right and the right side is wrong. You're right to be left and
wrong to be right. If you mount from the front, you mount from the
right, which is then the left because your right is its left, and the
left the right, keeping in mind that the left is right and the right is
wrong. Put your left to your right and step so your right is to the
wrong and now your right is opposite its left and left the right. To
right right is to the left and to right is wrong is to the right, but
backwards, the right is right and the left is wrong only when your right
is on its wrong, and the left is on its right. Switching right to left
and left to right is wrong. Right is wrong and left is right only from
the front or else the left is right and the right is wrong.
Back to List |
|
Top Best:
"Error in a Horse Ad":
These Horse Ad
typos were collected by Hunter & Sport Horse magazine.
21. Appleloosa for
sale.
20. Willingly piaffes & massages.
19. Bay 3-yr-old, lightly started, lounges well.
18. Cooked semen available.
17. Welsh filly, pretty head & eye. Just stared over fences.
16. 3-yr-old TB mare, recently startled under saddle.
15. Aged race gelding, has four clean kegs. (yippee! party animal!)
14. Rider must sell: horse going to college.
13. Gray pony, very athletic, broke to dive.
12. Small horse farm for sale, 33 acres, large fenced pastures plus
three small haddocks.
11. Attractive gelding for CT, ready to brake in the spring.
10. Aged WB mare, no lices. Reasonably priced to good home.
9. Registered Hockey Club mare.
8. Super mover-gloats over the ground!
7. Always in the ribbons over fences & thunder saddle.
6. Select young stock for sale, top scores at insurrection.
5. 1899 premium filly offered for sale.
4. Oldenburg colt, will manure to 17 hands.
3. Young Hanoverian, started u/s, bumping over small courses.
2. Many sport horses for sale, all apes and sizes.
And the best Error
in a Horse Ad:
1. LFG-Live
Floral Guarantee.
Back to List |
| Chain Letter for
Horse Owners
Dear Horse Owner:
Are you experiencing too many second and third finishes behind
inferior horses at horse shows? During a trail ride, does your
horse forget everything he was bred to do?
Well, this simple chain letter is meant to bring relief and happiness
to you. Unlike most chain letters, it doesn't cost any money.
Simply send a copy to six other horse owners who are dissatisfied
with the way that their horse is behaving. Also, bundle up your
horse and send him/her to the horse owner at the top of list, and add
your name to the bottom of the list. Do not use a return address
or the post office may try to contact you.
In one week you should receive 16,436 horses, and at least one of
them should be a keeper.
Have faith in this. Do not break the chain. One owner
broke the chain and got his own horse back.
Good luck!
Back to List |
The Truth About
Breeder Lingo
what they say...and what it really means
1. Noted Judge - He pinned
my horse.
2. Respected Judge - He pinned my horse twice.
3. Shown Sparingly - Only when we had the judge in our pocket.
4. Show Prospect - Four legs, two eyes, a mane, and a tail.
5. Placed in Five Shows - and 89 others where he did nothing.
6. Won in Heavy Competition - Three horses in the maiden class.
7. Lots of Pizazz - Hasn't been out of his stall for three days.
8. Limited Showing - Owner broke.
9. Terrific Angulation - Cow hocked and sickle hocked.
10. Personality Plus - Might wake up if you stick a carrot up his
nose.
11. Good Bite - Missed the judge, but got the steward.
12. Excels in Movement - When she spooks, she can pass any horse
in the ring.
13. Three Good Gaits - and four or five others we can't name.
14. Handled Exclusively By - no one else can get near him.
15. At Stud to Approved Mares - Those in season.
16. Terrific Pedigree - Old champion Whatsisname is twice in the
fifth generation.
17. Good Broodmare - Don't dare try to show in the ring.
18. Lots of Drive - Untrainable.
19. Great Stallion Prospect - Will breed anything from the
neighbor's cow on up.
20. Plan Your 2XXX Breeding Season Now - Call the stud owner two
days before your horse is due to come into season.
Back to List |
|
Murphy's
Horse and Mule Laws
1. If you do a
thorough check of your trailer before hauling, your truck will break
down.
2. There is no such
thing as a sterile barn cat.
3. No one ever
notices how you ride until you fall off.
4. The least useful
horse in your barn will eat the most, require shoes every four weeks,
and need the vet at least once a month.
5. A horse's
misbehavior will be in direct proportion to the number of people who are
watching.
6. Tack you hate
never wears out; blankets you hate cannot be destroyed; horses you hate
cannot be sold and will outlive you.
7. Clipper blades
will become dull only when the horse is half finished. Clipper motors
will quit only when you have the horse's head left to trim.
8. If you're
wondering if you left the water on in the barn, you did. If you're
wondering if you latched the pasture gate, you didn't.
9. One horse isn't
enough; two is too many.
10. If you approach
within 50 feet of the barn in your "street clothes," you will
get dirty.
11. You can't push a
horse on a lunge line.
12. If a horse is
advertised as "under $5000" you can bet he isn't $2500.
13. The number of
horses you own increases according to the number of stalls in your barn.
14. An uncomplicated
horse can be ruined with enough schooling.
15. You can't run a
barn without bailing twine.
16. Hoof picks
migrate.
17. Wind velocity
increases in proportion to how well your hat fits.
18. There is no such
thing as the "right feed."
19. If you fall off,
you will land on the site of your most recent injury.
20. If you're
winning, quit.
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Who Can Open
the Gate
This story takes you to a big
pasture, filled with a lovely bunch of horses. A question has just
been asked amid the herd.
Let's listen in on the conversation among the many breeds of horses.
............"Who Can Open the Gate?"............
Lipizzan: No need for opening it! When are you all
going to learn how to fly?!!
Thoroughbred: I don't want to mess with that gate
and I am too scared of flying! I will just jump over it and leave you
all behind.
Paint: Yeah, what he said! Na Na Na Na Na Na!
Palomino: Forget it. Count me out. I am not taking
any chances of messing up my chrome!
Arabian: You'll have to get somebody else to do it.
I'm not messin' up my nails for no one!
Quarter Horse: Maybe if I push on it with my big
buns, I could open it!
Standardbred: Pity on all of you. I'll figure it
out, just give me some time.
Polo Pony: Wait just a minute, let me get my stick
and give it a few bloody wacks!
Shetland: Let me at it. I'll break the stupid thing!
Then you all can get out of my face.
Mule: Oh, let's just pack it in and call it a day.
Saddlebred: Now, now. I'll open it, if someone could
help me with my shoes?
Fresian: I'll do it! Do you think it will mess up my
hair? I always have such good hair days.
Mustang: Heck with opening it, how about I just run
the whole darn fence over?
Belgian: Step back! You all aren't strong enough to
do it. I'll do it. Oh, but what if I break it?
Morgan: There, there. I'll do it for you. No need to
have such a big fit. Peace be with all of you. Is there anything else I
could do for you after I get done with the gate?
Appaloosa: Oh, hush all of you! Ya big bunch of
sissies. No one is leaving till I say so!
Percheron: I have already opened the gate while you
all have been arguing! I even went down the next row and opened all the
other gates. So it will be awhile before I have to listen to all of you
argue again!
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TOP TEN
EXERCISES TO BECOME A BETTER HORSEMAN
10. Drop a heavy
steel object on your foot. Don't pick it up right away.
Shout, "Get off, Stupid, GET OFF!"
9. Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "relaxing into
the fall." Roll lithely into a ball and spring to your feet.
8. Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse and write out a
$200 check without even looking down.
7. Jog long distances carrying a halter and a carrot. Go
ahead and tell the neighbors what you are doing - they might as well
know now.
6. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice
pulling to a halt. Smile as if you are having fun.
5. Hone your fibbing skills: "See hon, moving hay bales is
FUN!" and "No, really, I'm glad your lucky performance and
multimillion dollar horse won the blue ribbon. I am just thankful
that my hard work and actual ability won me second place."
4. Practice dialing your chiropractor's number with both arms
paralyzed to the shoulder and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a
frisky horse.
3. Borrow the US Army's slogan: Be All That You Can Be -- bitten,
thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled, frozen...
2. Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most expensive riding
clothes and repeat to yourself, "This is a learning experience,
this is a learning experience, this is ..."
1. THE NUMBER ONE EXERCISE TO BECOME A BETTER EQUESTRIAN:
Marry money.
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How
many horses does it take to change a light bulb?...
Warmblood: Light
bulb? What light bulb?
Any foal: The sun is
shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us and
you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Thoroughbred: Just
one. And he'll rewire the barn while he's at it.
Shetland pony: I
can't reach the stupid lamp.
Morgan: Oh,
oh, me, me! Pleeeze let me change the light bulb!!
Quarter Horse: Let him
do it, you can pet me while he's busy.
Trakhener: Light bulb?
Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Akhal-Teke: Zero!
AT's aren't afraid of the dark!
Holsteiner: How DARE
that light bulb burn out!! How DARE you ask me to change it!! OH!!
(Flouncing off)
Appaloosa: No, don't
change it. If it's dark, maybe no one will see me raiding the feed room.
Arab: That's what we
pay the help for. I'll just chew on his shirttail while he's at it.
Connemara: We'll just
be after havin' a nip of the Bushmill's, we will, and then we'll not be
noticin' the light.
Andalusian: Let the
maid do it. I need to go roll in the mud.
Clydesdale: Och,
and ye'll just be usin' up the 'lectricity, ye' will, better tae use a
wee bit of candle...better yet tae not waste either and just gae tae
sleep when the sun gaes doon. Electiricity is verra dear.
National Show Horse (fidgeting
all the while): Lights? Lights? Where? Do you want me to
pose? This is my good side...no, wait, let me get my mane straight...no
wait, this angle is all wrong. No, wait, maybe this is my good side. Do
you want dramatic..or bold..or maybe sensitive...?
Shire: (Yawn) Who
cares?
Cob: Just wait till
I've finished my haynet before you even consider asking me to do
anything. Can't you see I'm busy?
Tennessee Walker:
(Hiccup) You're doing it all wrong (hiccup)! You have to use all four
feet!
Paso Fino: Se
senior. Some colored ones would be mucho better!
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The Beginning of the
End...
A friend gives you a horse...
You build a small shelter...$750
You fence in a paddock...$450
Purchase small truck to haul hay...$12,000
Purchase a 2 horse trailer...$2,800
Purchase 2nd horse...$2,500
Build larger shelter with storage...$2,000
More fencing...$1,200
Purchase 3rd horse...$3,000
Purchase 4 horse trailer...$17,500
Purchase larger truck...$23,000
Purchase 4 acres next door...$38,000
More fencing...$2,000
Build small barn...$18,000
Purchase camper for truck...$9,000
Purchase tractor...$23,000
Purchase 4th & 5th horse...$6,500
Purchase 20 acres...$285,000
Build house...$185,000
Build barn...$56,000
More fencing & corrals...$24,000
Build covered arena...$182,000
Purchase Dually...$44,000
Purchase gooseneck w/living quarters...$45,000
Purchase 6th, 7th & 8th horse...$10,750
Hire full time trainer...$50,000
Build house for trainer...$84,000
Buy motor home for shows...$125,000
Hire attorney -- spouse leaving you for trainer...$35,000
Declare bankruptcy, spouse gets everything.
Friend feels sorry for you...gives you a horse.....
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The Real Horse
Vocabulary
Auction - A popular, social gathering where you can
change a horse from a financial liability into a liquid asset.
Azorturia (or Monday Morning Disease) - A condition
brought on by showing horses all weekend. Symptoms include the feeling
of dread at having to get out of bed on Mondays and go to work or
school.
Barn Sour - An affliction common to horse people in
northern climates during the winter months. Trudging through deep snow,
pushing wheelbarrows through snow and beating out frozen water buckets
tend to bring on this condition rapidly.
Big Name Trainer - Cult Leader: Horse owners follow
them blindly, will gladly sell their homes, spend their children's
college funds and their IRA's to support them- as they have a direct
link to "The Most High Ones" (Judges).
Bog Spavin - The feeling of panic when riding through
marshy area. Also used to refer to horses who throw a fit at having to
go through water puddles.
Colic - The gastrointestinal result of eating at the
food stands at horse shows.
Colt - What your mare always gives you when you want a
filly.
Contracted foot - The involuntary/instant reflex of
curling one's toes up - right before a horse steps on your foot.
Corn - small callus growths formed from the continual
wearing of cowboy boots.
Drench - Term used to describe the condition an owner
is in after he administers mineral oil to his horse.
Endurance ride - The end result when your horse spooks
and runs away with you in the woods.
Equitation - The ability to keep a smile on your face
and proper posture while your horse tries to crowhop, shy and buck his
way around a show ring.
Feed - Expensive substance utilized in the manufacture
of large quantities of manure.
Fences - Decorative perimeter structures built to give
a horse something to chew on, scratch against and jump over (see
inbreeding).
Flea-bitten - A condition of the lower extremities in
horse owners who also own dogs and cats.
Flies - The excuse of choice a horse uses so he can
kick you, buck you off or knock you over - he cannot be punished.
Founder - The discovery, of your loose mare-some miles
from your farm, usually in a flower bed or cornfield. Used like:
"Hey, honey, I found'er."
also:
Founder: A condition that happens to most people
after Thanksgiving dinner
Frog - Small amphibious animal that emits a
high-pitched squeal when
stepped on.
Gallop - The customary gait a horse chooses when
returning to the barn
Gates - Wooden or metal structures built to amuse
horses.
Girth Sores - Painful swelling and abrasion made at the
point of mid-section by fashionable large western belt buckles.
Green Broke - The color of the face of the person who
has just gotten the training bill from the Big Name Trainer...
Grooming - The fine art of brushing the dirt from one's
horse and applying it to your own body.
Grooms - Heavy, stationary objects used at horse shows
to hold down lawn chairs and show bills.
Hay - A green itchy material that collects between
layers of clothing, especially in unmentionable places.
Head Shy - A reluctance to use the public restrooms at
a horse show. Always applies to pit toilets.
Head Tosser - A blonde haired woman who wears fashion
boots while working in the barn.
Heaves - The act of unloading a truck full of hay.
Hobbles - Describes the walking gait of a horse owner
after his/her foot has been stepped on by his/her horse.
Hock - The financial condition that a horse owner goes
into.
Hoof Pick - Useful, curbed metal tool utilized to
remove hardened dog doo from the treads of your tennis shoes.
Horse shoes - Expensive semi-circular projectiles that
horses like to throw.
Inbreeding - The breeding results of broken/inadequate
pasture fencing.
Jumping - The characteristic movement that an equine
makes when given a vaccine or has his hooves trimmed.
Lameness - The condition of most riders after the first
few rides each year; can be a chronic condition in weekend riders.
Lead Rope - A long apparatus instrumental in the
administration of rope burns. Also used by excited horses to take a
handler for a drag.
Longeing - A training method a horse uses on its owner
with the purpose of making the owner spin in circles-rendering the owner
dizzy and light-headed so that they get sick and pass out, so the horse
can go back to grazing.
Manure spreader - Horse traders
Mosquitoes - Radar equipped blood sucking insects that
typically reach the size of small birds.
Mustang - The type of horse your husband would gladly
trade your favorite one for...preferably in a red convertible and V-8.
Overreaching - A descriptive term used to explain the
condition your credit cards are in by the end of show season.
Parasites - Small children (no flames please) that get
in your way when you work in the barn. Many gather in swarms at horse
shows.
Pinto - A colorful (usually green) coat pattern found
on a freshly washed and sparkling clean grey horse that was left
unattended in his stall for ten minutes.
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